


What If (A New Year's Tale)

by abreathofsnowandwaffles



Series: OL: Missing Moments [13]
Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M, missing moment, wee bit o' fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:33:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28656537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abreathofsnowandwaffles/pseuds/abreathofsnowandwaffles
Summary: Jamie & Claire- New Year's and the what if's about their pasts
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Series: OL: Missing Moments [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1277867
Comments: 5
Kudos: 47





	What If (A New Year's Tale)

**Author's Note:**

> Been a HOT minute since I’ve written much of anything these days. I want to take a special minute and thank @kkruml and @walkinginland for holding my hand and helping me figure out the ropes once more. Alas, without further ado, here’s a small new year’s drabble. (Yes, it’s 9 days late but honestly at this point I am just happy it is done.)

I could feel a sense of eagerness and anticipation radiating off of him. He was still, not moving, save for the steady rise and fall of his chest. The sun was just crescent over the tip of the mountain. The early morning light started to flicker through the window in our bedroom leaving rays dancing off the floor.

I found that the older I got, the worse that I slept. It seemed to be the case for both my husband and me. Maybe it was because I had been sharing a bed with another human again, or maybe it was because of something that was greater than both of us. I didn’t really know nor did I really mind... I didn’t have to understand. 

His breath was hot on my throat, his stubble coarse against my skin sending goosebumps down my spine. “Cannae sleep, _mo chridhe?_ ” 

I arched my body into his, an automatic response, like there had never been a twenty year and two hundred time spans between us. 

“I was just thinking about the _what ifs_ of our life.” I answered earnestly. 

“The what ifs?” I could sense the sleepiness wearing off his voice. He could feel this was about to be a heavy conversation. 

“Yes.” I rolled over in our bed so that I was facing him. I took his face into my hands and studied it for a minute. I took in his prominent Fraser brow, the flaming red hair, and deep blue eyes. It was an anchor to bring me back onto this plane of existence. 

I kissed the top of his nose as he reached for my waist, pulling our bodies close together so we were just inches apart..

“I think it’s Hogmanay,” I started, “New Year resolutions I suppose.” I laughed when he raised a brow in confusion at me. 

“I think it’s something from our century, but presumably new year's resolutions are just things you wish to change in the new year, things that were to be different from the year before.” 

“And ye were thinking about the what ifs, as ye called them?” I could hear a small pique of confusion in his tone.

“Yes… Because there isn’t anything I want to change this year. But….”   
I could feel him tense at the use of that particular conjunction.

“ _But,_ ” I took a breath. “What if Frank hadn’t died... Because around the time that he got into his accident, things were tumultuous between us. He was wanting to move back to England. He had a job offer at Cambridge and wanted to take Brianna with us.” 

I stopped for a moment, remembering our last fight right before the accident. It had been a cold, snowy, night in Boston. I had finished my notes from the surgeries of that particular day and headed home. Frank had come in, we’d exchanged our pleasantries, but I knew there was something he was wanting to get off his chest. THe new job offer, his girlfriend, Brianna’s new opportunities. We had both said things that night that had hurt the other. We’d been dancing around each other for nearly twenty years, trying not to say or do the wrong thing. By that night, I think we were both at wits end. But it was the final questions he had asked me and my final response that had finally sealed the deal.

_“You couldn’t look at Brianna, without seeing him, could you? Would you have forgotten him, with time? Without that constant reminder.”_

_“That amount of time doesn’t exist.”_

I frequently thought back to that particular exchange- how I had so wanted to be with Jamie again and for Brianna to know the truth of who she was. Frank and I, we had done our duty as parents and our story had run its course. If it hadn’t been for that fight…. No I couldn’t let myself think of what particular what if.

“He loved her as if she were his own. He never batted an eye when people said she looked like him, even though it was a lie. And they had a very special relationship… As much as I harbor some resentment towards him for lying to me for years… I also caused him heartache because there was no getting over you.” My voice went soft and I could feel his hands on my waist, pulling us even closer together. We were just a mere inch apart or less. “I could understand where his heart was when he told me about the job offer in England and wanting to take Brianna with him.” 

“Take her wi’ him?” His voice was slightly incredulous. It seems Jamie hadn’t liked that idea about as much as I had when I first heard about it.

“She had graduated high school, Jamie. In many respects in our century, Frank and I had done our duty as parents. She was done with grade school and off to college… She was an adult.” I could feel the muscles in my face tensing at the use of the word adult, knowing full well that my husband was not so inclined to agree with that last statement. 

_“Hmphh.”_ I could hear his Scottish grunt of disapproval and his breath hot against my lips. “Adult.” 

“When he asked to take her, it was the final straw for me. I couldn’t... I wouldn’t let him take her. A small part of me thought she would go with him, Jamie. Bree and me, our relationship was a bit complicated at that point in time. I wasn’t myself at that point in time. She could sense it, though she didn’t yet know why I was always so distant.”

“And Frank…” I started trailing off in a hint of sadness. I could sense that Jamie had questions, but he also knew that I wasn’t quite done yet. So he stayed there, listening.

“They had a special bond, as I said. Like the one you have with her.” I took my hand and traced the contour of his jaw. I could feel the tension from his bite lesson as I lingered back and forth. 

“But also different. It was something that was just between the two of them. Bree and I lacked that when she was a young adult… I was upset, angry, and sad, and so many different things because I was raising a Fraser with a temper to match, with a man who wasn’t her father.” 

I took a deep breath and let him resonate with the words I was saying. 

“A part of me was always missing because I had left it with you.” The single tear that had welled up slipped down my face. 

Quickly, my husband’s thumb wiped it from my cheek and began to rub soothing circles.  
“So the what ifs ye were thinking of, were if he hadna died.” 

“Per say. But, although Frank had known you had not died and he didn’t tell me… If it weren’t for the accident and that one fight…. I do think he would have told me, eventually, in his own time. Maybe I am being naive, but Brianna was an adult. Our promise to each other was all but finished, and he was tired of living a lie, as was I.” 

“So ye were wondering what would have been then, aye?” 

“Yes, but alas, no. I do not wish to dwell upon the what ifs of what could have been, because of what has been. Frank and I hurt each other, that is no secret, but I think in either version of the timeline, somehow, someway, I would have found my way back to you.” 

I kissed him then, slow, sweet, and steady. A physical being between my two hands. I’d never have to wonder what more about the what ifs of my life.


End file.
